hmm. here is an interesting email i sent to sam pieter. posting it here for archiving purposes.

may 16

i am at that convergence zone between rediscovering everything and intellectual dreariness. its like im on the edge of a cliff, waiting for the right moment--perfect combination of wind velocity and direction, precise positioning of feet, the delicate balance between bodily tension and relaxation has been achieved--for me to take flight.

began feeling this way last year, during my birthday, or maybe even before that and shared this with ditas and she just looked at me like she knew this feeling and that it passed her by and that she wasnt changed by it (she is 40 this year). would i feel the same way when i reach 40??? i sure hope not!

ronnie's death was like the blank wall for me... no its not a blank wall. its more like the wall of lamentation where the jews just sit, stand, squat in front of it, grieving--all thoughts, all aspirations, all will leaving them and just giving in to grief, facing the deep, formless void we know and call as grief...

but now after 3 years, my tears have dried up and i no longer find comfort in the reserves of my sorrow.

so i turn away from the wall and find myself hungry, thirsty, greedy for everything--love, friendship, empirical science, theoritical science, sex, mathematics, rain and wind, the taste of mangoes in a hot summers day...--everything that was and wasnt before he died...

this is all so confusing and exhilarating

speaking of sam